Let’s Pause for a Moment and Remember FoxTrax Existed

Cleatus something something Bud Light. [Photo by UpRoxx]

Cleatus something something Bud Light. [Photo by UpRoxx]

Earlier this month, Joe Lucia of Awful Announcing brought attention to a tweet from “Cleatus,” the NFL on Fox robot. Or more realistically, a fourth-rate comedian/down-on-his/her-luck PR grad pretending to be a robotic football player often seen running in place and stretching its nonexistent muscles while Joe Buck recites a list of sponsors following one of the broadcast’s thousands of commercial breaks.

Woah. I haven’t seen a comedian so daring and astute since Dane Cook. Perhaps next he’ll indulge us with a bit about airline food or a George W. Bush impression. And if you think Cleatus is a one-trick pony, you are sadly, sadly mistaken. He has also provided us with searing hot sports takes like:


Dane Cook and Jim Rome aside, Cleatus’ tweet calls to mind a time when Fox did care about the NHL, and enough to own the television rights from 1994-1999.

It was in the middle of its ownership, at the 1996 All-Star Game, that Fox debuted perhaps the worst thing to happen to hockey since the Whalers and Flyers wore pants in 1982-83.

You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. [Photo via The Province]

“You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing these bad boys? Forget about it.” [Photo via The Province]

Please explain, 90’s James Brown.

A merger of science and sports? Why, I love the NHL Network’s bumpers with Jeff Morrow explaining passing and basic geometry! Why wouldn’t this work? Let’s take a look.

It is no wonder why Puck Daddy‘s Greg Wyshynski titled his compilation of the worst ideas in sports history: Glow Pucks and 10-Cent Beer: The 101 Worst Ideas in Sports History. Of course, hockey purists were outraged, claiming it had turned the viewing experience into a video game. Thoroughly irritating to watch and, according to some players, harder to play with, the glow puck coincided with a decrease in ratings from the 1996 All-Star Game to 1998 Stanley Cup Finals, after which it was pulled. Fun fact: Eric Lindros was the first player to score with a glow puck, and Andrei Nikolishin was the last.

So Fox PR intern Cleatus, if indeed no one cares about the NHL, you and the network that has you fetching coffee are at least partially responsible.

Something Fox did do right? Hiring Doc Emrick.

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